Historical Idiocy: What the Hell was I Thinking?

I know what you’re thinking.  This is going to be about how stupid my ex is.  Not so.  The idiocy in question is my idiocy.

When I was in High School (yeah, that far back) I had one thing on my mind.  If you’re a guy I need go no further, but if you’re a woman (or girl), I may need to elaborate.  I had it in my head that sex was some grand mountain which I had to scale and that having scaled it I would then be a man.  How wrong I was.  Manhood was an illusive ideal, and sex was absolutely NOT the induction I was looking for.

I was a senior and looking for love and found it in the form of all the girls I lusted after but could not have.  As most of you know, that feeling blows.  I knew without a doubt that I could do more for them (these smokin’ hotties) than the assholes they chose to date (my apologies to religious folks that may read this, but I just don’t care that I’ve offended you.  Grow up.).  The ideal was Trisha G.  She still rings in my mind as the perfect representation of hot.  I used to fantasize about…  Nevermind.   I’d go so far as to say that if she’s even a shell of her high school self, I’d make a play.  Now that I have what every girl wants (money), I’d stand a chance.

Not me, but damn, can I relate...

As most guys do, and before they hit their stride, I settled (though, in the looks department, not by much).  I saw a girl that I thought was just beautiful, and as luck would have it she had pitiful self esteem.  Jackpot!  See, her parents had gotten divorced and she lived with her mother.  When I was a Sophomore I didn’t know much about her, except that she had gone to a party with my younger brother (two years my junior).  He screwed it up, and left the door wide open for me.  Now that I think about it, the last several girls I dated before…  What was the name I gave her?  Oh yeah, Nora…  They had all dated and / or been out with him first.  I like to think they were using him to get to me, but that’s probably not the case.  I digress…

As a senior, I got it in my head that dating younger was easier.  I was right (take notes if you’re a high school guy).  I dated friend’s younger sisters (much to their chagrin), I dated hot sophomores and juniors, etc.  It was easier than dating the captain of the cheer-leading squad, and the hotness factor was much the same.  Status worked both ways, because she got to date a modestly popular senior and I got to date someone I was likely to score with.  So, I set the trap…  The problem with my plan was, that I didn’t understand long term relationships and how long term they could become.

She dug me, I dug her and the next thing I knew I was attempting to save her from her disastrous family situation.  Her dad was a dick, her mom was loony and her sister was a violent little shit that I would have loved to slug (remember that self esteem thing I talked about earlier?).  At 17 years old, it all translates to feeling needed.  At 35, it translates to, “what a dip-shit I was.”

I jumped in with both feet, and decided that I could rescue her from herself and her situation like the white knight of Dumbfuckistan.  We eloped when I was 19 (yeah, very romantic, but she was 17 which is fine in some countries, but not here).  How, you ask?  Well, she had a friend who was pregnant from whom she collected a urine sample.  She took the sample to a doctor’s office and proceeded to make all the appropriate emotional responses when they told her she was pregnant.  They gave her a paper proving she was pregnant and we drove to a state where marriage at 17 was legal without parental consent (provided the bride was pregnant).   The rest is history.

In retrospect, any girl who has the presence of mind to defraud the government of any state in which she does not live is not the sort one should marry, let alone join in her fraud.  In those days, the Internet didn’t exist, so she got the information from the public library.  That (especially today) is just scary.  I mean, a girl who reads legal books to fake a pregnancy and marriage?  I should tattoo “stupid ass sucker” on my forehead, right?

Well, the subsequent ride has been one for the ages.  Come on…  You’re curious…  Admit it…

Stay tuned, boys and gilrs.  The crazy is coming…